(This story was written for the Urban Shots Yuva Competition, didn't get through but I really like what I managed writing. Hope you do as well.)
The
Rubik’s Cube stuck in the middle of the sand cuts through - a tiny botch of
colour surrounded by a sea of brown. I don’t know what appeals to me about this
blob of colour. Is it because it breaks the monotony of the beach- that small
little object catching the sun’s rays? It does look beautiful. But for how long
can its beauty be admired? I mean after a while even watching a sunrise becomes
a drag. That’s why we have the night.
----**----**-----
It had
been an insanely mundane day and somewhat I find these harder to get by than
those super- charged tiring days. As I entered home it was as if I had entered
a slow-burning oven. Long gone were the times when I’d get a hug or even a
smile; now just the way Ma looked at me, with all that expectation shining in
her eyes, it always started to bring me down. Was there no place I could go to
be by myself? Be myself?
“Where have you been, Natasha? Dinner was
supposed to be served 20 minutes ago.”
The
sharpness in her voice stung.
“Coming in 10 minutes.”
I
replied equally strongly. I was going to pay for this later, I knew it.
I rushed
into the dark comfort of my room. It almost felt as if I had entered another
dimension- the warmth of the fairy lights, the view of the beach outside my
window, the lingering smell from an unclosed Victoria Secret perfume bottle.
Somehow, just entering my room was a complete mood changer. Do babies feel like
this in their wombs, I wondered. They say that you might settle down in a hundred
other places but your bedroom, and everything about it- that’s where one’s
heart truly resides.
I look
around my room with sudden nostalgia welling in my heart, it’s my happy place,
and I knew ‘happy’ was a passing permanence. There were so many colours around-
the soft board full of photos, messages, drawings, my very own jewellery
collection, medals from my sport and dance events. In one corner, under the
broken flap of my desk, there was Goolywog, my teddy, a few scraps with
unfinished poems written on them, a ball of colourful threads, a small stub of
a blunted pencil and, my precious pearl necklace – at least that’s what Alex
claimed it was –“truly deeply freshly true pearl necklace” . I smile as I see
them, Alex really treated me like a queen when he wanted to. But then that’s
what those early infatuations assure- a promise of undying love - which
suddenly dies when his eyes meet another’s which aren’t yours! Wonder where or with
whom he was now.
There
was so much life in these inanimate objects. Parts of me, after all - all lying
in full view, but each with a story hidden in them, which only I knew. I wish I
could just be up here forever. Just locked up in these stories....….
“Natasha! Do you need a special
invitation? Dinner! Downstairs! Now!”
And I
was pulled back from my happy reverie, the shock treatment of reality!
----**----**-----
Dinner
with family is supposed to be a happy affair, with food, cheer, conversation
and love flowing around- it’s what Enid Blyton told me, years back. I scoffed
as I thought of it: she should have met my family. It was almost like sitting
with life- sized Dementors from Harry Potter- where’s the Patronus Charm when
you need it?
“I asked you a question! Where
were you at this time of the night?”
That shrill voice of hers was really getting
to me now.
“I was not out having sex on the
beach, Mom or taking drugs for that matter. I just went out for a stroll on the
beach and I lost track of….”
SMACK!
That was
not totally unexpected but still threw me off balance. I sat there just looking
at her, shamelessly.
My mind
raced heatedly at a million miles an hour, and was reaching nowhere,, but I
told myself “This too shall pass, this too shall pass.”
Life was
just trying to break me down- with its show of control over me, with its
constant questioning, with its ominous omnipresence. I ate in complete silence
as Ma looked at me indignantly like an anger-spewing dragon.
The
lasagna was actually delicious - maybe I should compliment her. Or maybe not,
you never know she might think I was mocking her and get angrier. I tried
focusing on everything but the pain. For the first time, I looked at my baby
brother, Nascar, sitting, looking seriously at me, at the dinner table- for a
little three-year old he was really silent! What a name to have - after a
racing event! The boy will have trouble growing up. I am sure if he understood,
he’d be throwing tantrums left, right and centre. Should this home be
designated a Nazi camp?
At least
I had a few hours of respite, when I went to college and then my own little
time at the beach. Nascar, the poor brat had to bear Ma’s wrath 24*7. I stole a
glimpse at the kid- his eyes were little glassy beads, There were no toys he
played with, nothing! All he had was this little dino, which I had given to him
- and he held onto it every night while sleeping.
It was a
thought that brought a smile to my face. I loved seeing him sleep- it was as if
he was finally happy.
----**----**-----
Eons and
eons of coastline lay before me now; I always slipped out of my window and came
to this little place on the edge of the beach, open and protected with palm
trees. I could sit here for hours and watch the world – sometimes only the
stars - go by. I loved the feeling of water and sand run through my feet, like
quicksand- it was like time was slipping away and I was trying hard to keep it,
in between my toes. When I was here, I left behind all my problems, all my
frustrations. Everything. Just happy to be. It was that place where I just sat
and thought- about the way things were, the ways they could be, what they might
become.
“If people sat outside and looked
at the stars each night, I bet they would live a lot differently.”
Hobbes
was right when he’d said this to Calvin. It was a spectacle in itself. We had
so much to be thankful for and yet we didn’t bother to appreciate it.. I sat
there pondering, hearing the waves go by, keeping an eye out on the stars
hanging like chandeliers in the sky overhead. I cared. Many people didn’t, but
I did. I wondered if that meant anything.
Somewhere
out there amongst those stars I saw my perfect world - up there! This existence
here in these salty lanes of Margao seemed - forced, compulsory. I was a child
of the sea, I did not belong to people or people did not somehow belong to me.
Would it have been different if
Dad had been there?
I got
Nascar here sometimes, but I don’t think he really was old enough to know why.
I wish he did: maybe we could have talked about it. I missed a friend at times I
suddenly felt pity for my brother. And my friends in the school, and my mom and
everyone I knew- they were suddenly just pictures from a long book that I was
living out. They had to put up with such a scary girl. I really felt sorry for
them. A familiar feeling of hate, sorrow and pity welled up inside me again. I
tried pushing it down, but it was overwhelming! I somehow blamed the state I
was in on my dad- this life of a confused dreamer I was stuck in. Yes, it’s
because of him. I feel my head go hot again and just as fast, the breeze from
the sea counters it. I start thinking of him again, even after saying so much
that I wouldn’t. I missed him, and today, I think I have to let go. There are
times when you just have to. This is my time.
He
looked out for me from somewhere. I knew he knew what I was up to and whether I
was happy or not.
It was a
pity my brother will not know him, he was a star of a man who made one bad
mistake for which everyone was paying for eternity. I laughed at myself; I was
such a mixed bag of emotions right now. But this battery of memories wasn’t going
to stop until it ran its course...
He
shouldn’t have left my mom for dead and ran away, with all the money, with
someone, with us – by ironically leaving us behind. I will never know his
reasons It was because of him that Ma had to shoulder all this responsibility
and in trying to take care of her kids- she slowly turned into a control freak,
behaving almost maniacally. She never let another guy even roam around me for
fear that they might all turn out to be someone like my dad.
I
couldn’t blame her either. She was being protective. Who could I blame? Someone
who was a teenage girl’s very first knight in shining armor or someone whose
aim was to protect and love. Who do I go to? Troubled times these, for someone,
who was just another college student. And I was forced to leave such questions
unanswered, more often than not.
But in
my dreams, I revisited my Elysium- the house, the dinners, Nascar’s
naughtiness, my life- everything that was a happy place once. But now the sea
called. And I walked into it. I don’t know when I will stop.
----**----**-----